Monday, June 18, 2018

You're In The Navy Now...

I would like to present for your entertainment and enlightenment this wonderful evocation of life in the great gray ships of the Navy. This is the anonymous creation of a Sailor, first posted (as far as I know) in 1998. I'm so glad I stumbled across it again the other day...

“Ah—the Navy—It’s an adventure….The suggestions below are made (for the benefit of) those who think the Navy is a “TOP GUN” existence. You know, those who watched one too many episodes of “JAG”, and think that Navy life is glamorous. To experience Navy life, try a couple of these—right in the comfort of your own homes.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, dirty water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up and paint the
basement “deck gray”.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the  most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn-mower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

 8. Have your next-door neighbor come over each day at 5 A.M., blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up”.

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6 A.M. and read it to her.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours and hang a sign on it that reads “Secured—contact OA DIV at X-3053”.

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law asking if it’s OK for you to leave your house before 3 P.M.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you’re on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home…you can’t leave until the next day.

13. Shower with the above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This will ensure your engine is properly “lit off”.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep your 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel."

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